The tears I cry
Burn my skin
What we might have been
The tears I cry
Burn my skin
What we might have been
I want to clarify that in this blog entry when I refer to “us/we” I’m referring to the global population. This article is not meant to pinpoint any specific country, culture or region.
There has been much talk lately about gun violence not just in North America but globally. You have some countries claiming their laws inhibit such violence, while others seemingly encourage it. I believe neither of these statements are true, lets face it, guns are like drugs. No matter what laws are put in place, if people want it that bad they will find away to get it.
During these recent discussions there has also been talk about violence displayed in video games, in television and movies, suggesting that maybe this display of aggression is somehow encouraging people to use violence. I’m going to be perfectly honest with you, THAT IS A LOAD OF CRAP!!! The violence in these forms of entertainment come from the violence we display in our everyday lives not the other way around. People aren’t violent because of video games, people are violent because the human species has been violent for most of its existence. How many times in history class did you study a war or a conflict that somehow ended in a form of resolution or desecration of the people causing the so called “problems”? The answer is often. When we teach our children about human growth we are at the same time teaching them that to get ahead, to succeed you must either surrender to the force or crush the force. Humans have been using violence as a means of fixing problems forever and continue to do it daily.
Our own personal actions are what contributes to the ever growing aggression we see in the world. When someone or some group decides to shoot up a school, bomb a town or stab a person the media decides to plaster their faces across all platforms, continuously talking about the person/people in turn making these horrible people famous for the horrendous crimes they’ve committed. Then we discuss PUBLICLY what to do with this person or people, we must hunt them down, do what they did to us, basically stating that revenge is the only option.
Answer me this, are we not always taught two wrongs don’t make a right? Do we not teach our children not to hit back if they are hit? How do we expect people to believe these things if our actions do not show the very concept of what we are teaching? It seems that we are always looking for someone else to blame. Heaven forbid we actually accept responsibility for our actions and attempt to change. No, that would be too much work, its easier to hate than it is to love. To love, you must set aside all differences, all angst and understand that I am a part of you and you are apart of me. When you do something horrible in a sense every human on the planet has done that same horrible thing and vice versa when you do something kind.
Humans are very contradicting and confusing creatures. If I’m being honest (which I always am) I don’t think we will ever be able to stop the violence we see today. In fact, I see it getting much worse before it gets better. Globally we are facing many problems, scarce resources, poverty, pollution, and overpopulation. These things will most likely cause more violence and hatred among us.
So do me a favour today and spread a little more love than you did yesterday. Remember that YOU are part of the problem but YOU can also be a part of the solution.
Peace and Love
I just want to start by saying thank you to all the people still visiting my blog. I know I haven’t been posting much lately :/ my bad. That being said I’m glad to see such a positive response to my dramatic readings I feel like I’m being lame by calling them dramatic readings since I am in no way an artist capable of doing dramatic readings. I am so thankful for the support and truly appreciate all the feedback.
Moving on. New Years, I hope yours was a happy one! I don’t really do resolutions but my plan for this year is to write more and more and more. I don’t enjoy putting finish lines on things but I would really like to complete a full draft of Gray Hayles by the end of the year. So hopefully you will all reap the benefits of that, or maybe the consequences, we’ll have to wait and see how it turns out!
Onto the cycle, I was just thinking about a loss I experienced near the end of last year, there was a moment that I think, forever changed me. I sat in a room with a family member who was near to passing while cradling an infant in my arms. It may not sound so striking, but being there and experiencing the loss of one human being as another human beings life journey just began was the strangest thing in the world. Not only was it confusing but I developed a strong feeling of ambivalence. I was so greatly sad and yet immensely happy at the same time, I was losing someone and gaining someone all at once. It really put into perspective the phrase “circle of life” you can say it all you want but you really have no idea what it means or how it will affect you.
Around and around we go.
Oh and here’s another dramatic reading.
(Re-reading this post I think I should have called it Thanks, New Years and Cycle)
Peace and Love and Dramatic Readings ;p
I was just a wanderer
Looking for a start
Always left to ponder
With my broken heart
One day I came across
A man with gentle grace
He asked about my loss
And the look upon my face
I told him of my sorrows
About all the things I’ve lost
He gave me something to borrow
But it did not come without a cost
He placed inside my being
A warmth I did not understand
It suddenly felt so freeing
The feeling was so grand
“Here I give you my heart,
I hope it will help you see,
That with the things we part,
We are really just setting free.”
The man said, “That is all.”
He turned and walked away
I wanted to reach out and call
But his name he did not say
I kept the warmth inside
Every step I made
The sorrow began to die
My pain began to fade
Until one day I walked by
A woman upon her knees
I wiped the tears from her eyes
Her heart she said, “It bleeds.”
I knew what I had to do
To give her a better tomorrow
“I have something to give you,
It’s something you can borrow.”
“Here I give you my heart,
It’s yours for you to take,
but one day you will have to part,
To help someone who’s life’s at stake.”
The women stopped her tears
I got up slowly and walked away
As she began to free her fears
She calmly asked me to stay
I said “I can’t, I’m a wanderer,
I have just now found my start,
The only thing I now ponder,
Is who else needs a borrowed heart?”
Disclaimer: I am not a political person nor do I claim to know much about politics.
Recently I’ve been besieged by a radio ad, it seems every time I get in my car and turn on the radio, I hear this ad. It’s a political ad stating that if “so and so” gets elected as the new leader of the NDP (new democratic party) he will impose a carbon tax on almost all goods and services, in turn, making everything you buy go up in price. The ad also states that if this new tax was instated gas would go up a WHOPPING ten cents a litre. The ad is basically encouraging people not to vote for this “so and so” person in fear of this tax being created. (as you can see this entry is not about who is running for the NDP or who is running against the NDP)
I have a serious problem with this ad, I feel like it is mocking me, as if I don’t know that a carbon tax will make prices go up. Isn’t that the point of the tax? To make goods and services go up in price in hopes to curb our consumption, helping us use less, consume less and lower each persons individual carbon footprint ( or maybe I have the wrong definition of carbon tax). For instance, if this tax was created and gas went up ten cents and tax on my car went up as well maybe I would consider buying a new electric car avoiding both the carbon tax and the gas price increase. Or maybe I would stop buying bottled drinks, or buy more fresh products instead ones wrap in layers of plastic and cardboard that were no doubt produced in a huge factory that creates mass amounts of pollution.
I think this tax is logical and rational, people don’t seem understand how much useless production and consumption goes on in the world. Maybe having a tax that directly responds to these excesses would help people see that we really don’t NEED to use and produce as much as we do. What we NEED is clean air, clean water, and clean food. Realistically, everything else is a want and just because you want something doesn’t mean you need it. It seems today that people have lost sight of this, suddenly our wants have become our needs and our needs have become something we waste and destroy with our wants. We destroy our clean air, our clean water, our clean food but polluting all three with the materials and by products of our wants and then we create more products to help re-purify these needs in turn creating more waste and pollution. It really is a vicious cycle when you take the time to think about it.
That being said I am guilty of all of these things, I drive a gasoline powered car, I take long showers, I buy what I don’t need, I give into my wants daily. I think the difference between me and others maybe that I understand this is not a healthy way to live. I do try to do my part and make up for my discrepancies, but I know I need to do more. What’s upsetting to me is to hear this ad on the radio and know this person/group/political party is trying to encourage people not to think about our overconsumption, to try to make it seem like this “so and so” person is creating this tax simply to make things more expensive for us all.
In closing this rambling blog entry I want to state that I do not claim to have the answers to our over consumption problem, in fact, I don’t have answers for anything, I simply ask questions and hope it sparks questioning in others and in their questioning maybe they can find the answers.
Peace and Love and Carbon
(I realize now this blog really had nothing to do with politics, but I like the title so I’m keeping it!)
If you enjoyed this entry I strongly suggest you read or watch Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax and the 2011 documentary Surviving Progress
Peace has never come from War
Love has never come from Hate
Hate has led to War
War has led to Hate
Love will lead us to Peace
Peace will end in Love
I live there (this is the link to the post spoken out loud)
You know that place deep down inside you, the place where you hide all your feelings. It’s a dark, cold, hateful place full of sadness and regret. Yes, that place.
I live there.
Been hiding in here for years now, ever since the day I was frightened into concealing how I felt.
Don’t feel bad for me, it’s really not that horrible down here. I mean besides how cold it is. If I longed for anything it would be to feel that warmth again, but I know the only way to attain that is to climb out and my fear is to great to let me do that.
I have friends to keep me company, sure. Sadness, by far the easiest to deal with and least painful. Sadness is always there for me, in fact Sadness never leaves, such a loyal friends. Regret is another good friend. Always pointing out the things I did wrong and helping me understand if I only did things another way I wouldn’t have gotten trapped down here. Sometimes I spend days with Regret analyzing all the mistakes I have made in my life. My least favorite friend is Guilt. Guilt like Sadness is always there but Guilt hurts. Guilt burns at me all day and night. Guilt questions me “Why are you here? No normal person would choose to live here. I hope you feel angst by being down here. You deserve it. You’re not normal, you’re sick and disgusting.” Guilt enjoys lashing at me from all angles, pouring salt in my already weeping wounds. I have to give Guilt credit though, Guilt is always honest, never tells me a lie. Darkness is the only other friend I have down here. Darkness fills in all the other cracks left by Guilt, Sadness and Regret. Darkness wraps me up in its ice cold blanket, shielding me from any warmth that may venture in.
Somedays I think about leaving this place but then Regret swoops in and reminds me of the time I let my feelings out, the day that made me come here and then I decide it would be easier if I just stay. There are days that someone tries to reach their hand in and pull me out but don’t let them. If they knew how it is down here they wouldn’t try to save me. It’s hopeless, I’m hopeless.
You know that place, that dark, cold place inside you, the place where you hide the feelings.
I live there.
Please don’t come and find me it’s not worth it.
First off I want to apologize to all my blog followers/readers. I’ve been slightly distracted lately and have not been putting the effort into my blog that I would like. I sat down today to write a blog entry about love and if it can be possible to have it with a person you know but have never met. As I opened up my pages I stumbled upon this excerpt from my novel that had seemingly been lost amongst the many endless pages of the story. As I re-read it I was actually quite shocked. I had completely forgotten about this moment in the story. It is definitely one of the most poignant parts of Gray and Hayleigh’s journey. After reading it I was compelled to share it with all of you. For some reason I get so emotional when I read these words. I know I’m the one who is writing the story, but I don’t feel like I decide where these characters go. They are real to me and when tragedy strikes in the story it’s almost like it is happening to me. I can’t change it because I know this is the way the story needs to be told. I hope you enjoy!
Peace and Love
“I love you, I love who you are, you’re cynical and honest, logical and rational. You never get caught up in fantasy, you keep your mind here and focussed, you don’t let yourself look back. Your grace and passion for art makes me yearn to be immersed in your creativity. You see things in my art that I never thought possible. You’re supportive and encouraging. You do so much for me Hayleigh and sometimes I feel like I don’t do enough for you.”
How could she be pouring her heart out to me in this moment, this moment in which I wanted to end it all? It had gone too far, I had let her get too far in, she was caught in my net and now I wanted her cut her free.
“Do you remember the day you picked up that penny and gave it to the homeless man weeping on the bench.”
I didn’t even know she saw me that day, Gray saw me before I ever saw her.
“Yes I do.”
“Why did you do it? I saw twenty other people walk by and not one person even looked his way. They acted as if the bench was empty but yet still avoiding it like a disease. Then you appear and acknowledge him like the true human he is. Why would you do that Hayleigh?”
I sat there astonished by her recollection. How long had she watched me? Was she always intrigued by me? Why did I do it?
“I did it because I saw someone who was sad and it made me sad and I didn’t want to feel that way?” Even though I found myself feeling sad continually I began to feel numb to it until I saw others suffering and it reminded me of my own loss, my own sorrow.
“Yeah, well what if you are sad Haleigh? What if what you saw in that man I see in you?Maybe I just want to take away a bit of your sadness, maybe it makes me hurt me to see the pain in your eyes, the pain your try to lock inside your heart but it bleeds through.”
I was upset she felt the burden of my anguish, I wanted her to know she could never relieve me of it.
“Gray, you can’t take my hurt away, it’s etched into my soul and nothing can heal it. It’s who I am, I’m damaged and defective and I can’t be with you or anyone because it will only end in both of us being desecrated.”
She stood there, her tears silently curved around her chin and dropped to the floor. Her breath was short and shallow, she bit her lip to keep it from quivering. My heart ached and I could feel hers throbbing too. This exact moment was why I couldn’t do this. No matter what happened both of our hearts would end in ache. I walked over to her and gripped my hands over her biceps, her skin was hot, I wanted to hug her, I felt so cold. She lowered her head. I think It hurt her too much to look me in the eye, or maybe she couldn’t look me in the eye maybe she had begun to hate me, which I hoped she would.
“Gray, I can’t give you the things you need and you can’t stop my pain.”
Gray jerked herself from my grasp, shook her head and raised her chin. I was surprised by her face it wasn’t filled with hate, it wasn’t even filled with anger or sadness. Love, her grey marble eyes were dripping with love. Gray just stood there and stared. She didn’t smile, her lips sat slightly parted as salty rivers flowed over them. I couldn’t look away she wouldn’t let me. After what felt like hours she spoke in a whisper, her voice let on what her eyes never did, pain.
“Hayles, if you think for one second that I need anything that you can’t give me than you really don’t know me at all. What I need is you, what I want is you, who I love…–” She reached out and grabbed my hand and place is against her lips.
Gray dropped my hand, making it slap into my hip creating a light thud. I hurt her, I wounded her, like I knew I would. Gray turned and walked out the door but not without one last glance with those stark eyes, her cheeks rose pulling up a sliver of a smile, and then she was gone.
I felt my heart wound rip open again, the tsunami of emotion hit me, I fell to the floor, my mom was dead, my dad was lost in his own mind and the only person I wanted to hold me right now was Gray and I had just forced her out of my life.
I spent the next hour waiting for Gray with anticipation, pacing back and forth wondering what she would think of this. How would she feel about me and what I planned to do? I worried about my silk robe, would she like it, would she care? Why did I care? I had spent hours deciding where to place everything. I built a candle lit walkway to the bed which was surrounded in more candles. I opened the curtains letting the moonlight fill the room. The flames flickered left and right as air moved throughout the room creating shadows in the night.
I heard the familiar screech of the metal door along the brick and jumped at the sound, she was here. My heart began to beat against my chest, I placed my hand over it to try to slow the thumps. It didn’t work.
The door was open now, there stood the silhouette of Gray, I could barely make out the expression on her face but it looked to be worry.
“Hayleigh?” she whispered.
I walked over to her and as my figure became visible in the candle light she smiled with relief.
“You scared me, I didn’t know you were coming over tonight. What is all this? What are you wearing? What’s–”
I stepped closer to her and reached out for the purse she had slung over her shoulder. I lifted it up over her and dropped it to the floor. Grabbing her hand I led her through the walkway to the bed.
“Hayles, I don’t know what you have planned here but I told you I don’t need this. I can live without this, don’t do this for me.”
I kept silent. Slowly I took off her jacket, revealing the white tank top she had underneath, her porcelain skin became covered with goose bumps.
“ Stop,” she insisted but she never attempted to push me away. She wanted this, but she did not want this for me.
I pulled down her jeans, so skinny she was that they fell over her hips with little struggle. As I reached for the bottom of her tank top she grabbed both my hands. Staring at me directly, she was pleading with her eyes for me not to continue. I couldn’t stop now I had to do this. This night was not for her it was for us, to connect us in a way that I had spent so many years avoiding. I wrapped her arms around my waist and leaned into her lips, they were as soft as rose petals. Slowly I melted my lips to hers, she let out a gentle sigh. I lifted the bottom of her shirt up, up, up separating our lips only to remove the garment from her body. She shivered in the cold of the night yet her skin was warming with every moment we touched. I slipped my hands under her panties, over her hips, down her thighs they fell to the floor.
The first step was done, now it was my turn. I pulled my lips away from her and took a step back. Her beauty was heightened in the moonlight, she still held the look of nervousness which was an odd showing for her. I knew she was not anxious for herself but rather for me. Gray knew me, she knew this was difficult for only me, and she hated for me to be uncomfortable. But what I hated more than this vulnerability was seeing worry in her eyes, a rarity I wish I never had to see.
I wanted to ease her mind, so I began to untie the belt on my silk robe. I felt the air hit my navel, my breasts, suddenly I too was covered in goose bumps. In all my preparation for tonight I forgot to turn up the heat.
Gray’s face was lit with a sudden smile, but she was not looking at my body, only my face. I let the robe slip over my shoulders and fall to the floor. Their we stood, bare, staring at only each others eyes. I too began to smile, this woman was everything to me and I only wanted to be everything to her, and tonight I hoped I would be.
I took a step toward her and laced my fingers into hers and sat onto the bed. Still staring at her I guided her body down. I kissed her lips gently, pulling away for only a moment and placing my hand over her eyes, making them close.
I began to kiss down her jaw line, down her neck, across her collarbone. Over her shoulder down her left arm, taking my time as I came to the bend in her elbow, she let out a soft giggle. I took my time with each of her lengthy fingers. Fingers that had been stained by the colors of the rainbow. Fingers that had created such art that made me ache inside. Her palm was smooth and smelled the familiar smell of paint, the smell I always associated with her. I placed her hand at her side and continued on over her hip, down the inside of her thigh. Gray sighed and placed her hand on mine, I continued going down her leg, around her knee. When I reached her foot, I kissed each toe, her sole was dry and calloused from years of wearing bare feet. Her toes curl under as I kissed the middle of her foot. I looked up at Gray and a saw a smile set upon her face.
I moved over to her right leg, kissing along the inside of her knee, up to the slant between her thigh and pelvis. She shuttered in anticipation, but I couldn’t do it, this night was not about sex. I kissed her belly button, blowing gently against it, she laughed and ran her fingers through my hair. I Kissed up her torso until I reached her breasts, they were supple and felt of velvet. I kissed each one, careful not to leave an area untouched by my lips.
Gray took in a deep slow breath and released a quiet whisper “ You forgot this one,” she said as she raised her right arm and wiggled her fingers. She smiled, I laughed.
“Of course, how could I forget, that’s my favourite one.”
I straddled her hips and pulled her arm to my mouth covering it completely, taking extra care with each finger.
Last was her face, her beautiful, glorious face. The face that had woke me from the nightmare of a life I was living before I met her.
“Open your eyes,” I said. There she lay with those grey storm clouds in her eyes, she did not look through me but rather into me, into the depths of my being that I desperately tried to keep hidden but were not safe from her stark gaze.
I leaned forward and kissed her forehead, along her cheek bones. Then down the bridge of her nose, across her chin, finally reaching the holy grail of her face, her mouth, which was slightly parted waiting, longing for my lips to press against them. I let my lips hover above hers for a moment, barely grazing them. I could feel her hot breath escape her lips and wisp softly over mine.
Looking straight into the grey abyss of her eyes I spoke softly, “I love you Gray,” and then I let my lips fall against hers. Our bodies were moulded against each other, I could feel our hearts beating together. I don’t know how long we laid there melting into each other, but I could have stayed there forever. Eventually I rolled off of her onto my side, our hands were still intertwined. Gray laid there with her eyes closed, smiling, I lay there staring at her, wishing we could stay like this forever, immersed in our love.
I had a dream two nights ago about floating on and iceberg with a polar bear. It was very “Life of Pi” and in my dream I wrote this poem. It’s very random and I don’t even know if it really makes sense but I haven’t posted in awhile (sry about that :/) so I thought I would share it with you, here goes:
Floating on an iceberg
The polar bear and me
Both of us left pondering
What it is to be
Every inch the ice smaller
The polar bear and me
Making the decision
On when it’s best to flee
Gazing into the water
The polar bear and me
Only he can swim
In the black as night sea
Sinking ever so slowly
The polar bear and me
Soon it will be the end
Then I will be free
Floating on an iceberg
The polar bear and me
Both of us left wondering
How this came to be