Archive for the ‘Gray Hayles’ Category

I just want to start by saying thank you to all the people still visiting my blog. I know I haven’t been posting much lately :/ my bad. That being said I’m glad to see such a positive response to my dramatic readings I feel like I’m being lame by calling them dramatic readings since I am in no way an artist capable of doing dramatic readings. I am so thankful for the support and truly appreciate all the feedback.

Moving on.  New Years, I hope yours was a happy one! I don’t really do resolutions but my plan for this year is to write more and more and more. I don’t enjoy putting finish lines on things but I would really like to complete a full draft of Gray Hayles by the end of the year. So hopefully you will all reap the benefits of that, or maybe the consequences, we’ll have to wait and see how it turns out!

Onto the cycle, I was just thinking about a loss I experienced near the end of last year, there was a moment that I think, forever changed me. I sat in a room with a family member who was near to passing while cradling an infant in my arms. It may not sound so striking, but being there and experiencing the loss of one human being as another human beings life journey just began was the strangest thing in the world. Not only was it confusing but I developed a strong feeling of ambivalence. I was so greatly sad and yet immensely happy at the same time, I was losing someone and gaining someone all at once. It really put into perspective the phrase “circle of life” you can say it all you want but you really have no idea what it means or how it will affect you.

Around and around we go.

Oh and here’s another dramatic reading.

Cycle.

(Re-reading this post I think I should have called it Thanks, New Years and Cycle)

Peace and Love and Dramatic Readings ;p

Lindsay

First off I want to apologize to all my blog followers/readers. I’ve been slightly distracted lately and have not been putting the effort into my blog that I would like. I sat down today to write a blog entry about love and if it can be possible to have it with a person you know but have never met. As I opened up my pages I stumbled upon this excerpt from my novel that had seemingly been lost amongst the many endless pages of the story. As I re-read it I was actually quite shocked. I had completely forgotten about this moment in the story. It is definitely one of the most poignant parts of Gray and Hayleigh’s journey. After reading it I was compelled to share it with all of you. For some reason I get so emotional when I read these words. I know I’m the one who is writing the story, but I don’t feel like I decide where these characters go. They are real to me and when tragedy strikes in the story it’s almost like it is happening to me. I can’t change it because I know this is the way the story needs to be told. I hope you enjoy!

Peace and Love 

Lindsay

“I love you, I love who you are, you’re cynical and honest, logical  and rational. You never get caught up in fantasy, you keep your mind here and focussed, you don’t let yourself look back. Your grace and passion for art makes me yearn to be immersed in your creativity.  You see things in my art that I never thought possible. You’re supportive and encouraging. You do so much for me Hayleigh and sometimes I feel like I don’t do enough for you.”

How could she be pouring her heart out to me in this moment, this moment in which I wanted to end it all? It had gone too far, I had let her get too far in, she was caught in my net and now I wanted her cut her free.

“Do you remember the day you picked up that penny and gave it to the homeless man weeping on the bench.”

I didn’t even know she saw me that day, Gray saw me before I ever saw her.

“Yes I do.”

“Why did you do it? I saw twenty other people walk by and not one person even looked his way. They acted as if the bench was empty but yet still avoiding it like a disease. Then you appear and acknowledge him like the true human he is. Why would you do that Hayleigh?”

I sat there astonished by her recollection. How long had she watched me? Was she always intrigued by me? Why did I do it?

“I did it because I saw someone who was sad and it made me sad and I didn’t want to feel that way?” Even though I found myself feeling sad continually I began to feel numb to it until I saw others suffering and it reminded me of my own loss, my own sorrow.

“Yeah, well what if you are sad Haleigh? What if what you saw in that man I see in you?Maybe I just want to take away a bit of your sadness, maybe it makes me hurt me to see the pain in your eyes, the pain your try to lock inside your heart but it bleeds through.”

I was upset she felt the burden of my anguish, I wanted her to know she could never relieve me of it.

“Gray, you can’t take my hurt away, it’s etched into my soul and nothing can heal it. It’s who I am, I’m damaged and defective and I can’t be with you or anyone because it will only end in both of us being desecrated.”

She stood there, her tears silently curved around her chin and dropped to the floor. Her breath was short and shallow, she bit her lip to keep it from quivering. My heart ached and I could feel hers throbbing too. This exact moment was why I couldn’t do this. No matter what happened both of our hearts would end in ache. I walked over to her and gripped my hands over her biceps, her skin was hot, I wanted to hug her, I felt so cold. She lowered her head. I think It hurt her too much to look me in the eye, or maybe she couldn’t look me in the eye maybe she had begun to hate me, which I hoped she would.

“Gray, I can’t give you the things you need and you can’t stop my pain.”

Gray jerked herself from my grasp, shook her head and raised her chin. I was surprised by her face it wasn’t filled with hate, it wasn’t even filled with anger or sadness. Love, her grey marble eyes were dripping with love. Gray just stood there and stared. She didn’t smile, her lips sat slightly parted as salty rivers flowed over them. I couldn’t look away she wouldn’t let me. After what felt like hours she spoke in a whisper, her voice let on what her eyes never did, pain.

“Hayles, if you think for one second that I need anything that you can’t give me than you really don’t know me at all. What I need is you, what I want is you, who I love…–” She reached out and grabbed my hand and place is against her lips.

“is you.”

Gray dropped my hand,  making it slap into my hip creating a light thud. I hurt her, I wounded her, like I knew I would. Gray turned and walked out the door but not without one last glance with those stark eyes, her cheeks rose pulling up a sliver of a smile, and then she was gone.

I felt my heart wound rip open again, the tsunami of emotion hit me, I fell to the floor, my mom was dead, my dad was lost in his own mind and the only person I wanted to hold me right now was Gray and I had just forced her out of my life.

 

I spent the next hour waiting for Gray with anticipation, pacing back and forth wondering what she would think of this. How would she feel about me and what I planned to do? I worried about my silk robe, would she like it, would she care? Why did I care? I had spent hours deciding where to place everything. I built a candle lit walkway to the bed which was surrounded in more candles. I opened the curtains letting the moonlight fill the room. The flames flickered left and right as air moved throughout the room creating shadows in the night.

I heard the familiar screech of the metal door along the brick and jumped at the sound, she was here. My heart began to beat against my chest, I placed my hand over it to try to slow the thumps. It didn’t work.

The door was open now, there stood the silhouette of Gray,  I could barely make out the expression on her face but it looked to be worry.

“Hayleigh?” she whispered.

I walked over to her and as my figure became visible in the candle light she smiled with relief.

“You scared me, I didn’t know you were coming over tonight. What is all this? What are you wearing? What’s–”

I stepped closer to her and reached out for the purse she had slung over her shoulder. I lifted it up over her and dropped it to the floor. Grabbing her hand I led her through the walkway to the bed.

“Hayles, I don’t know what you have planned here but I told you I don’t need this. I can live without this, don’t do this for me.”

I kept silent. Slowly I took off her jacket, revealing the white tank top she had underneath, her porcelain skin became covered with goose bumps.

“ Stop,” she insisted but she never attempted to push me away. She wanted this, but she did not want this for me.

I pulled down her jeans, so skinny she was that they fell over her hips with little struggle. As I reached for the bottom of her tank top she grabbed both my hands. Staring at me directly, she was pleading with her eyes for me not to continue. I couldn’t stop now I had to do this. This night was not for her it was for us, to connect us in a way that I had spent so many years avoiding. I wrapped her arms around my waist and leaned into her lips, they were as soft as rose petals. Slowly I melted my lips to hers, she let out a gentle sigh. I lifted the bottom of her shirt up, up, up separating our lips only to remove the garment from her body. She shivered in the cold of the night yet her skin was warming with every moment we touched. I slipped my hands under her panties, over her hips, down her thighs they fell to the floor.

The first step was done, now it was my turn. I pulled my lips away from her and took a step back. Her beauty was heightened in the moonlight, she still held the look of nervousness which was an odd showing for her. I knew she was not anxious for herself but rather for me. Gray knew me, she knew this was difficult for only me, and she hated for me to be uncomfortable. But what I hated more than this vulnerability was seeing worry in her eyes, a rarity I wish I never had to see.

I wanted to ease her mind, so I began to untie the belt on my silk robe. I felt the air hit my navel, my breasts, suddenly I too was covered in goose bumps. In all my preparation for tonight I forgot to turn up the heat.

Gray’s face was lit with a sudden smile, but she was not looking at my body, only my face. I let the robe slip over my shoulders and fall to the floor. Their we stood, bare, staring at only each others eyes. I too began to smile, this woman was everything to me and I only wanted to be everything to her, and tonight I hoped I would be.

I took a step toward her and laced my fingers into hers and sat onto the bed. Still staring at her I guided her body down. I kissed her lips gently, pulling away for only a moment and placing my hand over her eyes, making them close.

I began to kiss down her jaw line, down her neck, across her collarbone. Over her shoulder down her left arm, taking my time as I came to the bend in her elbow, she let out a soft giggle. I took my time with each of her lengthy fingers. Fingers that had been stained by the colors of the rainbow. Fingers that had created such art that made me ache inside. Her palm was smooth and smelled the familiar smell of paint, the smell I always associated with her. I placed her hand at her side and continued on over her hip, down the inside of her thigh. Gray sighed and placed her hand on mine, I continued going down her leg, around her knee. When I reached her foot, I kissed each toe, her sole was dry and calloused from years of wearing bare feet. Her toes curl under as I kissed the middle of her foot. I looked up at Gray and a saw a smile set upon her face.

I moved over to her right leg, kissing along the inside of her knee, up to the slant between her thigh and pelvis. She shuttered in anticipation, but I couldn’t do it, this night was not about sex. I kissed her belly button, blowing gently against it, she laughed and ran her fingers through my hair. I Kissed up her torso until I reached her breasts, they were supple and felt of velvet. I kissed each one, careful not to leave an area untouched by my lips.

Gray took in a deep slow breath and released a quiet whisper “ You forgot this one,” she said as she raised her right arm and wiggled her fingers. She smiled, I laughed.

“Of course, how could I forget, that’s my favourite one.”

I straddled her hips and pulled her arm to my mouth covering it completely, taking extra care with each finger.

Last was her face, her beautiful, glorious face. The face that had woke me from the nightmare of a life I was living before I met her.

“Open your eyes,” I said. There she lay with those grey storm clouds in her eyes, she did not look through me but rather into me, into the depths of my being that I desperately tried to keep hidden but were not safe from her stark gaze.

I leaned forward and kissed her forehead, along her cheek bones. Then down the bridge of her nose, across her chin, finally reaching the holy grail of her face, her mouth,  which was slightly parted waiting, longing for my lips to press against them. I let my lips hover above hers for a moment, barely grazing them. I could feel her hot breath escape her lips and wisp softly over mine.

Looking straight into the grey abyss of her eyes I spoke softly, “I love you Gray,” and then I let my lips fall against hers. Our bodies were moulded against each other, I could feel our hearts beating together. I don’t know how long we laid there melting into each other, but I could have stayed there forever. Eventually I rolled off of her onto my side, our hands were still intertwined. Gray laid there with her eyes closed, smiling, I lay there staring at her, wishing we could stay like this forever, immersed in our love.

I’ve been in denial. As many of you may know I have been writing what I’ve been calling a “story” that I thought may develop into a short story or a novella. I have realized recently that I have been lying to myself about what this story is meant to be. The truth is I have been scared to call it a novel because I didn’t believe I had the right to say I was writing a novel. I have no education in the area of writing besides a University 100 level English so how could I be writing novel?

Today that changed, I had an epiphany, being an artist of any kind does not mean you have to be educated in the area, you have to live it, breath it, believe it. I thought about it and I do live it, I do breath it and thanks to the response I have been getting on the internet and from people closest to me I now believe it! I received some advice from a person on twitter recently, she suggested I start promoting my book now even though it isn’t finished, and my blog is the perfect place to do that, so here goes:

Hi my name is Lindsay, I’m a writer who is writing a novel, it’s called Gray Hayles and it’s an unclassical story of life, love and loss. I’m looking into self publishing and hoping to have it out within the next two years. I won’t rush it though because I know you can’t rush art! If you’re interested, I have 4 excerpts posted under Gray Hayles.

Ahhhh I feel much better now that it’s out in the open. 😉

Peace and Love and Writing

Lindsay 🙂

A little something I have been working on. I seem to just get these flashes of moments in the story and all I can do is let the words flow and see what happens (its a little like being possessed, in a good creative way!). This excerpt is one of those flashes, I have no idea where this story is coming from but when I’m writing it I get extremely emotional. It feels so personal so it has been hard for me to share but I feel like I need to share it 🙂 Hope you enjoy!

I reached her door, panting, drained, I rested my forehead on the cold metal. I took a deep breath in, trying to compose myself, sucking in the tears that were trying to escape, stinging my eyes in the process. I couldn’t walk in there a complete mess, I had done that to her one too many times. I couldn’t expect her to keep picking me up and putting me back together. It wasn’t worth it for her to fix me if all I did was break again and again. How did I get this fragile? A few months ago I was able to shove all these feelings inside, burying them deep down, stacking other emotions on top of them, compacting them into my dark place. Recently the bad feelings had become stronger seeping out at the most unexpected moments, collapsing me to the ground. I took another breath and held it in, I put what little energy I had left into opening the door.

There she sat in front of her easel. One paint brush in her hand another behind her ear, music played as she gently swayed her body to the rhythm. She had on a white tank top that was tied in a knot at the center of her back and the jean shorts she wore the first time we met. Her hand twirled gracefully across the canvas, watching her paint was like watching someone dance, so smooth and rhythmic. Beautiful. I lifted my camera to my eyes partially to hide the water filling in them and partly because images like this were impossible not to make permanent. She didn’t hear me come in but she heard the click of my camera. She turned her head toward me and smiled.

“Hey Beautiful, How was your day?” Click, I snapped again.

“Tiring,” I said as I turned and walked away from her, toward the bed, I spread myself out on the mattress. It felt good to lay down but I could no longer hold in the tears, gravity did its job and pulled gentle streams from my eyes. I wiped them away and stretched my arms above my head, rubbing my moist fingers into the blankets. Breathing slowly I tried to push the feelings away. It didn’t work, it was like I had a blanket of sadness suffocating me. I closed my eyes wanting nothing but to drift off to sleep.

I heard Gray put down her brush, she lowered the music and began to walk over to me. I didn’t want to look at her, I couldn’t look at her, not if I wanted to keep myself together. For some reason whenever I looked into her stark eyes I wanted to pour my heart out; Tell her everything that was on my mind, but I knew that would be too much for her. It wasn’t right for me to put my burdens on her, you don’t do that to the ones you love.

Gray sat on the bed, I felt her legs touch my arms. She was so warm, I could instantly feel her transferring heat to my cold skin. I kept my eyes closed as tears fell down my temples. I could feel her lean forward placing her hands on my stomach, slowly she dragged her fingertips across my torso, over my breasts, a shiver shot up my spine, I shifted my weight to let the tingling pass through. I opened my eyes, only to gaze into the most stunning grey marbles above me.

“Hey,” she whispered.

I smiled as tears continued to fall, she leaned forward and kissed the trail of salt water down the side of my face. She sat up again a moved her fingers over my chest and down my arms leaving trails of goosebumps. She stopped when her hands reached mine, she began to stroke patterns into my palm, after a few minutes I gasped her fingers. She squeezed mine back, in an attempt I’m sure to release some of my tension. I didn’t want her to take my burden and that’s all she wanted me to give her. Gray released my hands and I immediately missed them. I felt her hair fall on my fingers as my palms gained the weight of her head. Her hot breath flowed over my wrist, as she gave me a gentle kiss, burning my skin with heat.

We laid there in silence for a long time, she must have known I didn’t want to talk. Sometimes I felt like Gray knew me better than I knew myself, she had the ability to bring me up even when I felt I could go no where but further down. Eventually our breathing became heavier and just before we drifted off together I spoke softly, “Will you come with me to see my Dad?”  I felt her take a breath in a release a soft moan that I knew was meant as a yes, then we were both lost in sleep.

When I awoke I was wrapped in Gray, we had fallen asleep barely touching but now our bodies were intertwined. Her legs crossed mine, our are arms rested on top of each other, our hands were laced tightly. The moonlight glared through the window lighting our bodies in the darkness. My head was tucked under her chin, I could her the slow beat of her heart, she was calm. My eyes no longer cried, the blanket of sadness had been washed away and Gray was preventing another one from forming.  She was my armor protecting me from hurt and I wished so desperately that I could be the same for her.

I have taken break from writing my story Gray Hayles because I have felt a lack of inspiration. Which is weird because this story up until a month ago was dominating my thoughts constantly. Today that break ended. I was reading another persons blog when they suggested taking break from a story is fine but when it is too long it can become toxic. This blog suggested you write words no matter what even if you feel like what you’re saying in your head is not how it is coming out on paper. I took this advice and began to write one of the most poignant parts of this story. Somehow the words came together and I was able to write pages upon pages and when I was done I felt the rush I hadn’t felt in a month. The feeling that this story is still here and I still have the inspiration to write it. So this blog is sending out a big THANK YOU to http://throughtwoblueeyes.wordpress.com/2012/05/21/when-i-write/. Today my inspiration came from you and I am grateful for it. I will leave you with a little exert from the pages I wrote today which may be the best I have written so far. I am now more than ever overwhelmed with the excitement of finishing this piece.

There she lay with grey storm clouds in her eyes, staring into my soul. She did not look through me but rather into me, into the depths of my being that I desperately tried to keep hidden but were not safe from her stark gaze.

This story has been haunting me, these characters are so real, honest and true to me. I cried when I wrote this part. I realized these people are so much a part of me and this is a story I need to tell and it is a story that will be told, my mind will accept nothing less. Here is another blurb from Gray Hayles: (I apologize for not including names but I would like to keep some things a secret so when I finish the story all of it isn’t known)

As we walked underneath the canopy of stars, I wrapped my arm around her waist. Holding her hand was not enough anymore, I had to have her closer, nearer, soaking in all the warmth of her love she so freely radiated. She was like my own personal sunshine, penetrating me with constant rays of love, compassion and kindness. I felt her slide her hand up my neck, she pulled me in close locking her chocolate gaze on mine. She gently pressed her velvet lips against mine, my hands began to tingle and my knees went weak. I squeezed her waist tighter, desperately trying to keep myself from falling into her body. Just then she pulled away and looked me deep in the eye. She drew in a deep breath, smiled that glorious smile and said, “Thank God I met you, ” she uttered the words with such conviction.

Suddenly I felt a sharp pain at the base of my skull, as I fell to the ground I heard her scream. Momentarily blinded I began to panic, my ears went silent and I was transported to a dark, warm place where I had an overt sense of happiness. I began to question am I dead? In an instant I was thrust back to reality. My eyes jolted open and my chest convulsed as I gulped air into my deprived lungs.

As things slowly came into focus I saw her face, she smiled, but as things became clearer I was struck. There was no words to describe the horror I felt in that moment. Her face was swollen and badly bruise, she had a large lump above her left cheek which was pressed awkwardly against the road. Her leather jacket was gone and her dress was torn exposing her skin which was now painted a beautiful shade of red. I examined her body for other afflictions but everything seemed intact. There was an unusual amount of blood pooling around her  head, it began to leak into the cracks in the pavement, every second rushing closer to me. She kept her brown marble eyes on me, her breathing became slower, her smile never left. I noticed my own river of blood escaping my body, creating its own streams, snaking through the road eventually merging into an ocean of blood dividing us. It was warm, like a liquid blanket protecting me from the brisk midnight air.

I tried to speak but nothing would come out, I tried to move but it was as if my muscles had left my body. My bones felt like metal rods grinding my flesh into the cement. My right arm was stretched out in front of me, I wished I could reach further and touch her face. She began to flinch and cough, then a small stream of blood fell from her mouth. Still looking at me she began to drag her arm from the side of her body. It seemed to take hours for her to reach my fingers, but she did. There we lay, our arms drowning in a cocktail of our blood. She began to cough more, choking on the flow pouring from her mouth.

I began to accept that this was it, this was how we would die. I was trying to make peace out of this knowing. I tried to be thankful for being able to share our last moments together, but I was resentful. I felt her squeeze what little of my hand she had grasped. Staring at her, I focussed all my energy on squeezing back. I must have succeeded because I saw her beautiful face display a broader smile. Within seconds of what I now know was our last embrace, she took her last breath and her lips released the crescent she had so stubbornly held. Her eyes never closed and her spirit did not abandon the earth, instead she hovered above my body raining down a gentle calm. My stare was locked on her once glistening eyes as rivers flowed from mine.

At first I began to ask for her back, begging the universe, promising my life, if only she would come back to her body, back to me. When my attempts failed I then began to ask to be taken with her, but my prayers were not answered. Instead I laid there labouring to breathe, my head throbbing in pain, my love laying there lifeless parallel to my body. I felt like I had been there for days but as I looked up I realized the canopy of stars still lit the night sky.