Posts Tagged ‘open’

I have to be honest. Before I joined wordpress.com I was worried that the way I thought was too out there. I had often been asked “Are you high?” When discussing intense topics such as Life, Religion, Death, Over Population, Politics among many other things. I was beginning to worry that no one thought about things as critically or as curiously as I did. I felt that so many people were locked in their own ideas and opinions completely unwilling to accept or listen to others thoughts and opinions. My main decision for joining wordpress.com was for me to let some of my writings seep into the world since I have a fear of letting people read anything I write, especially the ones closest to me. I figured I would put some stuff out there and maybe this would help ease my fear without having to sit and watch someones reaction as they read my words. The result has been nothing short of amazing. I have received many words of encouragement as well as good wishes and many more questions to challenge me. So many people have responded positively to these words I have written and I have nothing but gratitude and gratefulness for every person who has read anything on my blog. I was even able to open my blog to my Facebook and let the people closest to me read my entires and that reaction has been the same. My mother said something to me shortly after I started the blog that really made me think maybe my thoughts weren’t so crazy after all, she said        “All I know is when I read Lindsay’s words I know everything will be alright.” I know she is my mother and she is supposed to support me but just hearing that really made my heart melt. My mother and I don’t have the same beliefs but somehow my words could help her too. I was naive to think that I was the only one out there that thinks this way or has these ideas or morals. There is 7 billion people out there and we are much more similar than we are different. This blog entry was simply written to thank every single one of my followers and readers. Your support has really surprised me and I will continue write and read all of your entries because all of your ideas, thoughts, and art has helped me be even more open and even more honest. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Oh yeah and one more thing… THANK YOU! 🙂

Peace and Love

Lindsay

Warning: I do not classify myself an artist

It’s amazing what a little colour effects and pic frame can do for a jovial water colour painting on 8×11 print paper!

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Backstory

I stopped believing in God over ten years ago. Shortly before I lost my faith (not that I really had much to begin with) I stopped believing in the devil. I came to the conclusion that the devil was simply made up to scare people into being Godly or following God’s word. So I chose not to believe in such a thing. Soon after I chose not to believe in God either. I had the realization that there could be no God. God for me became Santa Claus or Unicorns or Leprechauns. It appeared to me that faith was simply a coping mechanism for all the things we cannot understand in our world, and I personally did not feel I needed answers. For me I have less guilt and more freedom  without god/religious duty looming over my head. That being said I have no judgement towards faith/religious lovers, I am the first one to say believe in whatever you want to believe in, and I will believe in mine.

This brings me to the topic of my blog today. I was recently at and event where someone suggested that to be a good person and to carry out justice for all, you somehow must  have god’s light in your heart. I don’t overly agree with this. I would have to say bluntly I have none of God’s light in my heart. My heart is made of blood and muscle and tissue. It’s made of the same thing that your heart is made of. This however may suggest that I am a bad person, selfish, vain, greedy. I hate this stereotype of non believers. I consider myself a good person and in a way I feel like I feel more pain than most because I try everyday to have compassion for every person, and living thing on this planet. More and more these days I see how everything is connected and that the stars in the sky are on the same level as mosquitos, as carbon, as music, as humans. Everything we have today is because of how this Universe has developed at random. To me life is a gift but not a gift given by  someone or something. A gift of happening, a side effect of our Universe. And I try to live in this gift as a peaceful person not because I was taught to but because I want too, because hate, violence, judgement and intolerance have never amounted to anything positive.

“I have learned that it is not important to find the answers in life, but much more important to pose the questions that may have no answer.” L.D

I think it was Einstein who said “The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery every day. Never lose a holy curiosity.”

This is how I try to live my life, not to find the answer to the question but simply to ask it.

I have realized lately how many people have generalizations about certain Races, Religions, Cultures, Sexual orientations, countries and genders. I find it sad that people still hold such strong assumptions about such silly things. You can’t help where you were born, you don’t choose your orientation or skin color. You don’t pick what religion your guardians posed upon you.

I hear people(even ppl I know and love) slapping labels on large groups of people suggesting that all people who are Muslim are terrorists , or that all gay people are flamboyant, or that all foreigners can’t speak English. These are just a few of the generalizations I hear daily.

It makes me sad to think that so many of us believe so strongly that certain groups of people are a certain way. The truth is there is no “groups of people” there is just “people” if we belong to any group at all it should be a global one, where we all accept each other regardless of our religion, opinions, culture, sexual orientation, race or gender. Equality is the only way to achieve peace!

You are the vine, roping me tight

holding my limbs when I put up a fight.

You are the tree, grounding my soul

I tried not to let you but my heart you stole.

You are the tear, falling from my eye

when I have no answer for my why.

You are the moon, lighting my darkness

showing me peace in all its starkness.

You are the sun, warming my heart

letting me know we will never part.

You are the song, ringing in my ear

calming my sadness, tabling my fear.

You are the wind, washing over me

keeping my spirit open and letting me be free.

Ambivalence. Most people may view ambivalence as a hinderance, but for me it has been a great gift. I first learned the word when I was about twelve after watching Girl, Interrupted. Since I was young I always had very conflicting feelings/views about many things. These feelings tended to create high levels of anxiety, because I just wanted to feel/think one thing at a time not many. When I learned of this word Ambivalence I knew that this is what I had been struggling with. As I learned more about the word and my feelings I realized not to fight this ambivalence. In fact having such love/hate feelings about things actually was helping me on my philosophical journey. Such opposing thoughts really helped rip me apart at my core(in a good way). Being pulled in two different directions aided me in learning that there is no direction. I still have bouts ambivalence but I just give into it, I don’t dwell on the fact that I have them. I let the feelings tear me apart and in turn the ambivalence is destroyed too, and I am left with a greater sense of being.

“An open mind is an enlightened mind.” When your mind is open nothing can stick to it, you experience it, it passes through you and you move on.

I was going through my Facebook reading all the notes, articles and poems I wrote several years ago. Reminds me of the feelings I had during a darker period in my life. When I read these words I can feel how trapped I felt during that time, I was so young, so confused about life. I’m glad I can now say I am free and full and open. Hope these words can help others realize we all go through dark periods and sadness but you can overcome it, and you will overcome it and once you have overcome it you can begin to help others come out of their own darkness.”Be someones light at the end of their tunnel.”
do you ever feel like your completely lost
like nothing in life comes without cost

do you ever feel like all the people stare
like they look at you but really dont care

do you ever feel like the pain will never leave
like everyone around you thinks you’re so naive

do you ever feel like life moves to fast
like there it was but now its the past

do you ever feel like pushing them away
like you want them to go, but really to stay

do you ever feel like leaving this place
like disappearing into space

do you ever feel like you’re losing it all
like no matter what your going to fall

do you ever feel like trying to flee
because if you do, you can talk to me

SUFFERING internally, 
for possible eternity. 

STRUGGLING with constant thoughts, 
fearing an inevitable loss. 

FINDING a way through the maze, 
much of my life spent in a haze. 

LOOKING for a place to leap, 
no rest for the sad and weak. 

CRAWLING my long way out, 
too many real feelings of doubt. 

BEING dragged into the darkest hole, 
now there is nothing, nothing but my soul. 

I wrote this poem after watching a documentary about a boy named Evan Perry who suffered with bipolar disorder and took his life at age 15 because he couldn’t get free of the madness. RIP Evan.